WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU LOSE A LOVED ONE

2 Samuel 1: 6-27   /    Pastor KC Liu    /  May 28, 2017

Good morning!  This week all of America is celebrating Memorial Day.  It is a very important holiday in America to honor those who have passed away while serving the armed forces.  It began after the American Civil War in 1868, and it was originally called Decoration Day, when people who visit the grave-site of the fallen heroes decorated it with flowers.  It was a time of great tragedy, and bringing flowers and talking well of the deceased was a way of honoring them, and also a process of healing for those who survived. 

God really has perfect timing.  In this Memorial Day weekend, we’ve come to 2 Samuel 1, where King Saul, Jonathan, and the Israelites die in battle against the Philistines. And now David has to deal with this tragic news.  How does David deal with the lost of loved ones? That’s what we are going to talk about today.  What to do when we lose a loved one.  But first, let us take a look at their history with each other.  It is a very complicated relationship.  

History between David and King Saul & Jonathan

1. David served Saul in the army, killed Goliath and gained honor for Israel. 
2. David often played the harp and sang to Saul to comfort him. 
3. David married Saul’s daughter,  became his son-in-law.  
4. David was BFF (best friends forever) with Jonathan.  Up to this point, everything was amazing.  David had tremendous favor with the royal family.
5. Saul became jealous of David and tried to kill him many times. 

The Bible said Saul thrust his spear at him on multiple occasions.  Then David had to run for his life, and he hid in the wilderness for many years.  Saul would bring his army of 3000 soldiers to chase him.  Finally, David had it, and moved to Philistine territory, because he knew Saul would not look for him in enemy territory.  David and his 600 men stayed in Ziklag for 1 year and 4 months.

In the previous chapter, 1 Samuel 31, we see that Saul and Jonathan died in battle.  Then the enemy disgraced the Israelites by mistreating Saul’s dead body.  Now we come to our text for today in 2 Samuel 1. At this point, David does not know the result of the battle yet.  

Three days after the battle an Amalekite soldier brought the news to David saying King Saul and his sons died in battle.  So David asked him “How do you know?”  The soldier replied:

“I happened to be on Mount Gilboa,” the young man said, “and there was Saul, leaning on his spear, with the chariots and their drivers in hot pursuit. 7 When he turned around and saw me, he called out to me, and I said, ‘What can I do?’ 8 “He asked me, ‘Who are you?’ “‘An Amalekite,’ I answered. 9 “Then he said to me, ‘Stand here by me and kill me! I’m in the throes of death, but I’m still alive.’ 10 “So I stood beside him and killed him, because I knew that after he had fallen he could not survive. And I took the crown that was on his head and the band on his arm and have brought them here to my lord.” (2 Samuel 1:6-10)

So now David hears this news for the first time.  How should he react? Let me ask you, if the person who was trying to murder you got killed, what would you do?  I think some of us would be throwing a party!  Or at the very least be relieved, and sit down and have a drink.  But this is a complicated relationship.  Saul was not just the guy who tried to kill him.  Saul is his father in law! Saul is his king! Saul is family!  David loved Saul, but Saul hated David!

What does David do when he hears of this tragic new? The Bible says, “v11. Then David and all the men with him took hold of their clothes and tore them. 12 They mourned and wept and fasted till evening for Saul and his son Jonathan, and for the army of the Lord and for the nation of Israel, because they had fallen by the sword.”

First, we need to see that David doesn't celebrate Saul’s death. Instead, David is stunned, speechless, and sad. It may seem natural for us to be glad when an enemy loses or falls.  We know that many Philistines were filled with joy. But verse 11 shows us that David was genuinely, deeply, sorrowful.  And he expressed that sorrow very publicly. Here was a man who wasn’t afraid of what others thought of him, watching him cry.

Point #1. It is proper to cry for those who die.

He cried. He wept in front of others. He doesn't try to act strong and remain silent like so many men do, who feel it is a sign of weakness to cry and show emotion. He wept and he fasted.  It is a healthy thing to do.  If you keep all your emotions inside, if you bottle it up, you will blow up one day.  Don’t be an actor and act like everything is ok.   Don’t feel like no one understands what you are going through.  We’ve all lost someone before.  We understand how you feel.

Point #2 – You can share your sad feelings with caring people.

First, David shared his sorrow with his fellow men, and they all followed the Hebrew mourning custom by tearing their clothes and mourned.  They all did it together.  David was not alone.  I am not telling you to rip off your t-shirt, that was a Hebrew thing. But there’s also other ways to let out the emotions. Whatever way fits your custom and culture, just find a way. 

Second, you can share your sad feelings with people who care about you.  It can be a pastor, a relative, a friend, or even a therapist.  Just the fact that you are willing to talk about it will help your healing process.  

Third, if you’re not used to talking much, or have problem expressing yourself to other people (usually guy problems) you can express your emotions by writing it down in a journal.  Journaling can be a good outlet.  And you can choose to share or not share it with other people. 

Let’s return to the story.  Then after David mourned, he turned to the Amalekite soldier who claimed to kill King Saul.  The soldier claimed Saul was badly hurt and asked him to end his misery with a spear.  But we know from 1 Sam 30 that Saul was hurt by arrows, and killed himself with his own sword, so that the enemy doesn’t capture him and torture him.  So we know that this Amalekite soldier who brought Saul’s crown and armband to David was lying about killing Saul. He probably just happened to be there when Saul killed himself, and took the crown and armband from him. 

So why did the soldier lie about killing Saul and brought the crown and armband to David?  Because he thought he would be rewarded by David.  He knew Saul was trying to kill David for all these years, so naturally he assumed that David would be thrilled to hear the news, and reward him with riches or even high position in the new kingdom.  To his surprise, David’s respond was not like any other man he had ever known. 

V.14 David asked him, “Why weren’t you afraid to lift your hand to destroy the Lord’s anointed?” 15 Then David called one of his men and said, “Go, strike him down!” So he struck him down, and he died. 16 For David had said to him, “Your blood be on your own head. Your own mouth testified against you when you said, ‘I killed the Lord’s anointed.’”

David was not like any man.  He honored the Lord greatly.  Whatever the Lord has anointed, he dared not touch.  In earlier chapters,  David came upon Saul twice while he was sleeping, and could have killed him.  But he didn’t, because he honored his Father-in-Law, he honored his King, he honored God’s anointing over his life. 

So the fact that David killed the Amalekite soldier shouldn’t come as a surprise.  David was right in judging his character, who was a low life, opportunistic, greedy man. And the irony is, he didn’t even kill Saul, but got the death sentence for it anyway. So what happens next? 

Verse 17 says,  "Then David sang this lament over Saul and his son Jonathan, and gave orders that everyone in Judah learn it by heart. Yes, it’s even inscribed in The Book of Jashar.”

It says David sang, he sang over his Father and best friend. David was a poet and musician, so he wrote a song to honor them, and commanded all of the people in his nation to memorize this song.  It was a really good way to bring comfort to those grieving a loss.

Point #3. TAKE COMFORT IN SINGING SONGS.  

Much study has been done about the role of music in the healing process.  It helps us to acknowledge the reality of our loss.  It helps us to express words that we cannot articulate.  It brings peace to our emotions.  

For example, the song “Amazing Grace” is often sung at memorial services. In fact, we just sang it at Mr. Li’s wife’s funeral on Friday. (By the way, thank you Taiwanese congregation for caring about Mr. Li, and going to the funeral to support him.) I find so much hope and comfort in Amazing Grace lyrics of the last verse: “When we've been there ten thousand years, Bright shining as the sun, We've no less days to sing God's praise Than when we've first begun.” 

I know there is hope of heaven, but I can’t articulate the beauty of heaven.  So the song helps me say something I want to say, but don’t know how to say it.  Sometimes it’s hard to describe heaven because we’ve never seen it.  But the song paints a beautiful picture of what heaven is like.  If you have the ability to write a song or poem, please do so.  Otherwise, you can sing songs like Amazing Grace, or songs that you know the deceased loved singing.  

So what did David write about in this song?  This song is called the Song of the Bow. 

Your pride and joy, O Israel, lies dead on the hills!
    Oh, how the mighty heroes have fallen!
20 Don’t announce the news in Gath,
    don’t proclaim it in the streets of Ashkelon,
or the daughters of the Philistines will rejoice
    and the pagans will laugh in triumph.
21 O mountains of Gilboa,
    let there be no dew or rain upon you,
    nor fruitful fields producing offerings of grain.
For there the shield of the mighty heroes was defiled;
    the shield of Saul will no longer be anointed with oil.
22 The bow of Jonathan was powerful,
    and the sword of Saul did its mighty work.
They shed the blood of their enemies
    and pierced the bodies of mighty heroes.
23 How beloved and gracious were Saul and Jonathan!
    They were together in life and in death.
They were swifter than eagles,
    stronger than lions.

David described Saul and Jonathan as brave war heroes who charged into battle, not afraid of death.  Heroes who won many glorious victories.  David highlighted their father and son relationship, that they were together in both life and death. David compared them to the most noble of all animals, painting a picture of their strength and speed.   

24 O women of Israel, weep for Saul,
for he dressed you in luxurious scarlet clothing,
    in garments decorated with gold.

David is commanding the women to weep for their king, and to have a grateful attitude towards him.  David knew that Saul cared a lot about what the women of Israel thought about him.  Years ago, the women sang this song “Saul killed thousands, and David tens of thousands”.  That was the song that drove Saul mad. Made him so jealous that he wanted to kill David.  Saul wanted to be ‘the best’ in the eyes of the women.  David is giving him that honor now.  

25 Oh, how the mighty heroes have fallen in battle!
    Jonathan lies dead on the hills.

26 How I weep for you, my brother Jonathan!
    Oh, how much I loved you!
And your love for me was deep,
    deeper than the love of women!

27 Oh, how the mighty heroes have fallen!
    Stripped of their weapons, they lie dead.

What can we learn from David’s song of lament?  

 Point #4. Focus on the Sweet times. 

David remembered the good things in Saul’s life in his early days, when Saul walked with God, and didn’t dwell on the bad things, or how bad Saul finished. Not one word about Saul’s jealousy, not one word of criticism or resentment.  

David intentionally did that to honor Saul. And he wanted the nation to remember Saul that way too.  In this we see why David was a man after God’s own heart.  David was gracious and forgiving toward Saul. The Lord loved David’s attitude of grace.  In leadership principles we say that it was his attitude that determined his altitude.  He had a good attitude, so God promoted him. 

It is the same with us.  When someone we lose didn’t finish well in life, it will be most helpful to ourselves to still speak well of them.  There is no point in bringing back all the bad things they did, or how they hurt us.  Our goal is peace, not pain.  So let’s do our best to focus on the sweet times we’ve had with them. 

How do we do that?

#5.  Write down good memories of them and share it.

There are many ways. Pick a photo a write a story. Read it at the funeral.  Email it out to your family.   Print them in a memory book.  Share it on Facebook or LINE.  This is different than sharing your sad feelings with others.  That’s focused on yourself.  This is actually talking about them, the focus in on their wonderful life.   In conclusion, I hope these five things will help you heal as you face the passing of loved ones.  Is there something the Lord is bringing to your attention right now?  Let’s pray.